Three Simple Ways to Make Your Kids Leave You Alone

When “Go Away” Just Doesn’t Work

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Adults have to do adult things. Simple things like read emails, go to the bathroom or enjoy silence. Kids, of course, have no concept of this. You know how full grown humans often use kitchen’s as gathering places for fun, social conversation. In case you didn’t know, that’s how kids view the bathroom.

“Oh, you’re going to sit down with a book or phone in our water-room?!?! Oh Cool!! Let’s tell that one joke I know a hundred more times! Watch me wrap myself in the shower curtain! WATCH!! Did I tell you I want some milk… like right NOW!!”

You know how you sometimes need to sit at the computer to check the news or write an essay. This is the equivalent of online political discussion to the still-growing humans in your house. They can’t stay away even if they want to.

“Oh, you’re going to write an email? Let me show you how hard I can bang on the keyboard! That’s the power button, right? I knew it!! This is how you close a laptop, Dad.  Hey… let me close it. LET ME CLOSE IT!!”

You know you can’t use TV to shut them up and leave you alone because some blogger told you they took away all screens and now their children are better than yours. And you’re vaguely aware that you’re not supposed to lock them in a room because laws and stuff. So the next time you need to steal a few moments, try these tricks.

1. Extended Hide and Seek – If your kids are old enough, you can convince them that they’re the best hiders in the world. Then they’ll hide for a good five, maybe ten, minutes before you have to find them. I’ve heard of kids hiding upwards of twenty minutes behind a door, giggling the whole freaking time.  

2. Throw Couch Cushions On the Ground – If you don’t have a couch that your kids can jump on, you shouldn’t be reading this article anyway. You should be holiday crafting with your children. If you do… chunk those cushions on the ground. You’re kids will carreen themselves around for a good six minutes before they hurt themselves. That’s enough time for a few emails. (PS – It must be noted that you might hear “WATCH THIS!” a few hundred times)

3. “Forbidden” Kitchen Tools – No shit. Hand your kids a pair of tongs and basting brush, look around to make sure no one is around and whisper, “Don’t tell Mom.” They’ll be “cleaning” and picking crap up all over the house for a good fifteen minutes. Plenty of time to read another blog post filled with useless advice on parenting.

 

Author: Joel Menking

English teacher, turned stay-at-home dad, turned guy who made a website.

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