Dear Hot Wheels,
I love you, tiny land mines, for being the best bang-for-buck toy in the business.
I love you for being small enough to fit in a babies mouth, but not big enough swallow.
I love you encouraging sound effects like shhhhhhhwoo, ahhhhhhhpshsscrash, and vroooommmmm instead of repetitious, battery powered ear pollution.
I love that you can cause major damage when hurled across a room.
I love that taking you away is an effective punishment, and giving you back makes me a fucking hero.
I love you being less than dollar.
I love you for never getting lost because you multiply during the night and have taken over my house.
Never forget that I love you, even when I curse you for living beneath my bare feet.
Sincerely, A Dad
Dear Crocs for Little Kids
Dear Crocs for Little Kids,
I love you little kid Crocs for being the hardest working, longest lasting shoes in the business.
I love you for giving a middle finger to shoe laces and a big FU to velcro.
I love you for jumping right into the washing machine and coming out all fresh, clean, and ready to wear.
I love you for ignoring the naysayers who say that you’re “unrefined” and “ugly”. Shits on them!! You make my boys look “Bad Ass” and “independent”… and “super fast”.
I love you for having the courage to stare that giant, muddy puddle in the eye and send it splashing in every fucking direction.
You’re the best little kid Crocs. Never Change!
Sincerely, A Dad
Dear Chick-fil-A Playground
Dear Chick-Fil-A Playground,
I love you for your glass walls, covered with chicken grease fingerprints, just thick enough to muffle the horrific screams of pleasure within.
I love you for the door that’s heavy enough to slow down a four year old and completely trap a two. I love you for the brief moments of silence you provide.
I love you for that one kid who’s juuuuust young enough to think you’re fun, but juuuuust old enough to teach the little kids about being bullied.
I love you for the parents who forget you’re caring for their child, and I love you for the parent who perches on your little rubber bench, destroying the party buzz you work so hard to create.
I love that you have overly-nice friends who like to refill my drink and pick up my trash.
I love you for swallowing my children’s shoes and inventing the “Where the Fuck Are Your Socks?!?” game.
But most of all, I love that you’re baaaaarely big enough for me to slither up to grab my stubborn ass child when it’s time to leave.